Monday, June 09, 2008

Download 08: Reported.

After five consecutive years doing the same festival, it was about time to do it right.

Sounds easy right?

You'd be surprised how much planning goes into doing a festival right. Getting everyone to meet before you set off at a Blockbuster car park. Hiring a van. Bringing the essentials including:

*Tent, sleeping bag, douvet & pillow and a beer holding chair
* CD Player + CDs
* Gazebo to keep the sun/rain off the BBQ
* 18 crates of beer and jagermeister pre-funnelled into plastic bottles
* Two wheeled beer carrying thing that pubs use

DRUGS?! Who said anything about DRUGS?!


The journey down was traffic free, and even involved KFC. Already a good start and we're not even there yet. Download is pretty easy to find, and always horribly organised when you get there. Finding the entrance to the car park was a science itself. Once we're all nice and parked up it's time for the epic trail into the campsite. Shuffling 1 yard a minute once you get into the queue is sadly a reality of festival life, and this year so are sniffer dogs it seems. The good news is, the sniffer dogs are looking for biscuits, and otherwise inept.

For some reason Scott, Stouty and Whitley thought it would be a good idea to bring a scaled down model of the Taj Mahal for their tent. It took maybe two hours before everyone is set up and sat down with a beer in hand. The goal at this point is to get as wasted as possible.

As much as we're all there for the bands, the banter is what makes the week. This Wednesday night was a chance to renew old friendships and swap war stories... and get so blind drunk it was hard to know who and where you are. At one point that evening we were hoping "Class A" Dave would magically appear in the tent for confirmation of something. Shouting wasn't working so Stouty simply shouted something which shall not be repeated but is largely innocuous to the untrained ear.

One, two, three... four. Dave's head pops through the door

"You What? Time for Ground Saint Pound?"


Dave proceeds to go for the full mount and punches on stouty, who is cackling away like a mad man during the whole process. He then hands a penknife to penknife.



Thursday is Alton Towers. How better to prepare than a full english breakfast? We set off in convoy, with my car full, and everyone else in the back of the transit van scott hired. Who knew the first ride of the day would be splatted against the walls of a Transit...

Actually the first ride was Squirrel Nutty. A kids ride that didn't top 5mph. Truly an exciting experience. Reminiscent of the scene from Austin Powers where the dude gets run over by the steam roller, very slowly. That was however just a warm up for the first ride, which is an exercise in insanity. Close to the entrance of Alton Towers it never seems to get much attention, I even forgot its name. The ingenious contraption has pods of 4 seats which spin on a 360 degree axis as you are flung mercilessly around the track...

Backwards?! Nobody said anything about BACKWARDS


It quickly becomes apparent on the ascent, that backwards is indeed, part of the deal. From there the only way was up. Up to Oblivion, which took on a double significance today. The queue for Oblivion is more than a little patronising with its mini TV show thing trying to scare you. So as much as we were all giving it the big licks before the ride "Arms up all the way boys". The second that ride moves you cling onto the harness like a South American immigrant. Rita, the queen of speed is downright abusive, and Air is possibly the most doom laden ride in history. I found myself convinced 5 or more times I was going to smash into the floor.

So after being a good little consumer and spending way too much money winning over sized stuffed dogs Alton Towers had to end. It's back to the camp site to get hammered again, and relive the stories of the day. The road from the M1 south to Alton Towers is a strange country lane thing. I had a lot of fun watching Scott trying to navigate the van through winding little country lanes.

Total Torment at Download!..... YOOOU WHAT?!


The day starts with a truly epic trek to the main stage. Due to racetrack politics, and the Moto GP being next week, the main stage has been moved to China, and we have to walk there from the campsite. JOY. What's more the walk is nearly all up hill and dustier than the Sahara on a windy day. But once you're in the area, you're in, and the bands, the bands begin.

First up is Seether, a melodic happy go lucky kind of Metal band. Friendly on the ear, although they did an eerily impressive "In Bloom" cover. My memories of them are somewhat bolstered by the fact it was the first band I'd heard all week and live music sounds SO much better. Then it was due to be Kid Rock but he was "Ill". When the announcement was made, it was like the crowd had just won the lottery. A huge cheer went up. The message from Download: Don't get well soon Kid Rock. What a lovely bunch.

Next up are disturbed and Motorhead who proceed to rock the afternoon away. Both bands I have seen before, neither of whom I was particularly fussed to see. The banter at that stage was much more important, and a sleeping Aaron made for great entertainment.



That's enough frolics for one day, time for some serious business. Rise Against were playing the Tuborg stage and I was about to lose all control. I've long said that your proximity to the front of the stage directly affects your enjoyment of the show. So in arriving late I figured I would be disappointed. How wrong I was. Rise Against are amazing live, especially the vocals which sound perfect. Considering just how amazing I always thought the vocals were, I was left with a post orgasmic glow by the end of the show. Tshirt buying time. Rise Against are one of those bands that never seem to get the recognition Jimmy Eat World do, even though they do the same thing So SO much better. Bleck.

The final band of the night Kiss, are legitimate legends. They put on one hell of a show, but after Rise Against I need sleep. Two whole days of bands awaited me, and I'd already lived through an amazing experience. Did I mention it was time to get wasted again?... No? Well we did.

Is it Saturday already? How can that happen?! Alton Towers already felt like a life time ago. Especially with the hike from the camp site to the arena. Waking up sweaty after falling asleep freezing is an odd experience, one of the many unique to festivals. Saturday however had a much, much better lineup than Friday. Friday was quiet, and had one band I lost myself in. Saturday had a monster of a dilemma. Do I go see Incubus, my all time favourite band for the first time in my entire life, or do I go do the funky chicken to Pendoolum?

Honourable mention goes to Skindred who I am reliably informed rocked the house early in the morning while I was at tesco using the disabled loo for a wash. My first band of the day were 36 Crazyfists. Double kickdrums, powerful grunty verses and melodic choruses. A damn good show. The next surprise was Throwdown who sound like Pantera. I was hearing them for the first time and WILL be investing more listening time into this band. They had a rabid crowd at the front, and ponderous observers at the back. What is the solution to this conundrum you ask?

You crazy motherfuckers at the front turn around and give the pussies at the back a friendly hello


The front of the crowd gives the finger to the back. Awesome. Then it all got a little bit diabolical.. At the request of the lead singer the front and back open up; "If you don't wanna get involved, run away with your tails between your legs". Then in a scene from Braveheart on queue the front and back collide in a huge mess of jumping, bumping and moshed excitement. Wow.

Biffy Clyro were on the main stage, so I went to get my hair washed.

I caught half of Bullet for My Valentine who are ok, nothing special. I was there so I could be up front for Incubus. I ended up about 9 bodies from the front, happier than a fat kid in a cake factory.


Did Incubus roll out all my favourite songs just for me? Did they play a lot of their old stuff? Did they Jam out in the middle of songs and create something completley new, unique and amazing? FUCK YES. When you're favourite band exceeds your expectations, what more can you ask for? At this point I was thinking the day had peaked. There was no icing to this cake made of pure icing.

But there was a cherry...

I decided to get a massage because my back felt like it had been pummelled all week. I'm a self confessed raging metrosexual who is built for city life. I needed RnR. The healing "area" at the festival was really cool. Chilled out music, a bar that wasn't too busy and the pleasant whiff of Class C drugs. After which I meandered out heading for the camp site to get hammered.

So there I am strolling towards the Tuborg stage which is near the exit of the Arena, and what do I see but a big Heartagram on the stage? Well I never, I forgot HIM were playing next. Well its worth a look. I keep walking towards a non existent crowd and find myself 30 people from the front. Villè Valo appears on stage and before I know it there was a crowd behind me. Rock out with my cock out time. :D

Strolling back under a full(ish) moon to the camp site I was left with that experience of living double. Where you're happier than usual to be alive and to have experienced what you did.

Whitley, have you just done what I think you havef?


Once in a while something so funny happens you lose the ability to breathe. It began with some seemingly innocent swigs of Jagermeister. As the camp site grew rowdy on a cold Saturday night, young markus because illegible and rambling. At one point telling us "I'm gonna be at the Sunday market tomorrow, buying video games for £7". Then he tries to stand up to go for a piss. He overshoots and lands in Stoutys lap. Saucy.

Stouty then announces he is done for the night, and is off into the tent for a wank. Whitley continues to ramble with the grin of a drunken man. Until finally he falls asleep. Leaving us with a dilemma, leave him there to wake up at 5am confused and cold. Or carry him to the tent. We decide unanimously to procrastinate. A victory for decisiveness.

After a while of being silent young Whitley then starts to grin, at which point dave shouts "Whitley, have you just pissed yourself?". Cue lots of laughter, especially when the light was shone in that direction and you could see the evidence. Stouty being the male nurse was called out to help. The reply was "Do you mind, I'm trying to wank and you guys keep talking to me!!". Ckassy. Scott and Stouty have to carry Whitley back into the tent and strip him off, despite him protesting the "rape". Ahhh... Another year another mess.

Was Alton Towers really 3 days ago?


The sun rises, the tent is sweaty and people are talking outside. It must be Sunday.

The early part of the day was quite barren in terms of bands, but allowed us to check out the "village" section of the arena. Plenty of shops giving Sunday stock deals. I picked up two famous stars and straps Tshirts for £10. As well as a slipknot Hoodie, to go with the Jeans I got from Tesco. If only festival shops existed outside festivals. Good do!

Airborne are very AC/DC, and if you like that sort of thing they deliver, although they made one two many jibes about the cricket for my liking. In Flames on the main stage were exceptional. Here is a band finally getting some recognition for a 10 year career packed with incredible albums. If its possible to create beautiful brutality they do it. They do it better than anyone else.

Beautiful. Brutal.

What next, Jimmy Eat World and Lostprophets? Err NO! I came very close to buying a "Fuck Lostoprophets tshirt", but I did like their first album. So Children of Bodom it was.

Lets get one thing clear. You will not like this band. You are incapable of understanding them. They will scare you away before you realise the brilliance. That's the way I love it. They blew the roof off of the entire UK. What an incredible performance and a perfect warm up for...

Cavilera Conspiracy. Now, if you never liked Sepultura or Soulfly this won't mean much to you, but if you did. IGOR and MAX are back together. Roots, bloody roots plays out over a setting sun to a full moon. The last band of Download are bursting ear drums. What a year. What a festival. What good friends I have.

Even the shitty organisation in the car park on the way home couldn't bring me down. It took most people 3 hours to move 50 yards... We snuck out in 20 mins due to some ninja driving.

Perfect festival?... Well Leeds you got a lot to live up to, but I'm already getting excited. Until then. I've been exceptionally drunk and disorderly. Good night.