A Near, Dear Miss.

Reality is what we know, plant a seed and watch it grow. We live in a world where the sun rises and sets. Our life is timeboxed into beginning middle and end. The seasons flow, the tides ebb small things become big, live, grow and die.

So why then is it still so very heart wrenching when you get a phone call saying "Your mum has just had a heart attack, she's on her way to hospital". How do you deal with that information? My reaction was intense anxiety, followed by my usual frontal lobe calm. Ok go tell the boss and just go.

This of course didn't stop me shouting at traffic in my way en route the hospital. Nor did it stop me eulogising my mother's brilliance. When you start thinking what you'd say at someone's funeral, and it makes you emotional then you have some stuff to tell them. I've tried to live my life by this rule, never leave things unsaid. Sadly when the sunshine is the sky, and we feel aright, we have no reason to tell people how we feel. There will always be tomorrow.

Then it rains, and it rains hard. No matter how strong you are, the little things always get in your way. The travel, paying bills, staying still.

All of this stress came, not because of the activities themselves, but from guilt. I felt like I haven't spent enough time with my Mum, or thanked her for the wonderful job she did raising me. Yes, typical only child right? Add to that the fact my Mum was never supposed to have children. I am literally a miracle. I've been made to feel that special every day of my existence, and the act of breathing makes my Mum happy.

No more though. I'm 25, lay down your worries Mum. I got this life.

I love you motherbear.