Still; I want to record how I'm feeling, in the hope that maybe I'll look back and take something from it. Or that by writing it down, and pressing publish it will help me understand.
I prefer dogs to people as a rule. So losing Aggy has been really really tugging at the tear ducts. Not that I've fallen about in angst since I heard the news, but that large skull below was my confidant. The one living thing that knew everything about me. I mean its that it's only when I saw Aggy that I felt well after the cancer in 07.
There is something about the calming reliability of a dog. They are there, they are staying with you and are furiously loyal to you. Which I guess is something we humans don't grant each other very often. At the risk of sounding cynical, I'm observing how often humans sell each other out even to relative strangers. If it's talking the ear off a stranger about a best friend who wronged you, or if it's the dance of wanting to be wanted... We are a species who just can't commit to anything.
I read an interesting article about how our conciousness is actually something our emotions manipulate. Sure we're pretty convinced the reason we dislike the traffic warden is because logically they are parasitic in nature... but the real reason we don't like them is because they feel like they are a bit mean.
We can't use that language of course, that would risk feeling embarrassed, and self preservation dictates we cannot feel anything... but controlled bursts of melancholy or joy shared in a group.
So then society runs to its drugs, its rollercoasters and its art. It runs because it can't face itself. We have wonderful tools of expression and yet cannot say hello in the pure, and simple way an animal does. With all of ourselves. I'm as guilty of this as anyone. As an empath I'm just as likely to reciprocate awkwardness as I am openness.
I will miss my dog because pushing my face into the big skull of that rottie made me feel alive, made me feel welcomed and gave me that release that very little else in life (besides yin) can provide. The lesson I'm trying to teach myself by articulating this is to take more risks not less. Maybe I'll take a few followers on the way too.
To get what I want, I'm going to have to keep changing, and challenging myself on things I held dear. Doing so will require being way out of my comfort zone. It's strange then, that at the top of the mania cycle, making friends is easy, humour is natural to me and creativity happens. You can't force a fate you think is right, but perspective will always, always win the day.
With that I'm going to step back, and list some of the good times and memories I had of Aggy, in a log file, stored away on my pc. I miss you Aggy, you were such a good dog and my life is better from having known those big brown eyes and that fat head. xxx
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