Yawn!

Its been a long time since I've had NO money.

I could take out a loan or get a new credit card, but now isn't the time to do that at all. The last time the universe enforced this much boredom on me, having an apartment, a car and a life was all a pipe dream. So its been a good 8 years since staying in and doing absolutely nothing was part of life.

Let me make something clear. IT SUCKS. Having gotten used to being a social animal for the best part of a decade, and being capable of enjoying the fruits of having a little money I got complacent. That could be seen as a bad thing, but it's really not. I now expect a damn good quality of life, and feel annoyed, and motivated to change it when it's not there.

On July 16th I will be 24 years old, nearly a quater century. Thats a long time on the planet, but being honest I really feel that my best work is ahead of me and perhaps its time that shouldn't be the case any more. It's hard to balance massive impatience and ambition with sense and hard work.

I guess the long and short of it is, its time for the revolution to come. I'm talented in a lot of unique and marketable ways. How do I cash those in? Ideas are welcome. There are plenty of Irons in the fire, but the fire just isn't hot enough.

Thoughts welcome.

Legitimate Breakthrough fast.

Do

I've done it. I've found it. The most monumental discovery of my entire life.

I always thought Kelloggs variety cereal packs were way too small in portions. Then it hit me, COMBINE cereals! Frosties AND coca pops all in one bowl. Let me tell you, you are not ready for how good this gets. If you happen to be addicted to heroin or bubblewrap, this could be the solution for you.

I've often thought most people can and could get into heavy metal music if they gave it a chance, because I've witnessed and watched various people do just that. Yet, I'm beginning to enjoy the barrier to its entry. Its like my secret cavern full of joys, and for some egocentric reason humanity sees rare as special. I'll take it though, its a relief from the endless repetition of mainstream music. Not that mainstream is bad, its just EVERYWHERE and too much of anything annoys.

I wish to fashion a rudimentary sailboat from paper.

Being broke and bored has driven me to be really busy with work for the past few days, and Im dying for something social. Where are you people of Leeds? Easter is quiet around these parts. Town is full of chav kids. Its so weird.

I had a dream where I got my hair cut whilst I was sleeping and I when I found out I was GUTTED. Was such a relief to wake up. Who knew, Im actually attached to the mop that sits on my head.

It struck me earlier that I look like Jesus mated with Chewbakka somehow, and that their child became a snowboarder.

Loop.

Questions, Answers & Meaning

When were you happiest?
Hard to say, Im always pretty happy. Getting the “all clear” was pretty good, and being in the VIP areas of Vegas knowing that my life is amazing too. But often the best moments are listening to music on a train adoring the scenery, or even just looking out of the window while a breeze hits you. Life is joy.

What is your greatest fear?
Success and failure.

Earliest memory
Pushing my head against the cot at about 18 months old.

Which living person do you most admire?
Living... Hard to say. Anyone who has achieved and is happy in their life. We can learn from everyone. Whether its what to do, or what not to do.

What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
My lazyness.

What is the trait you most deplore in others?
Two faced people. The only thing required to be a friend of mine is honesty. Anyone who bitches behind my back quickly becomes a former friend.

What was your most embarrassing moment?
Meh. Who knows.

Excluding property, what's the most expensive thing that you've ever bought?
Probably my car.

What is your most treasured possession?
Life, then health. This year brought that home to me. After that my PC. Not because its amazing (and it is), but because it has all my music, films, photos and best work. It contains my ideas and is a reflection of the world I live in.

Where would you like to live?
Probably Malibu, or Miami.

What would your super power be?
Life is amazing because its a struggle. Success is only pleasurable because we have to work for it. I’m actually not sure I’d want to remove that mechanism. Although I would love the Orgasmo ray from Orgasmo. I have something similar in glove form though.

What makes you depressed?
Very few things, it has to be a pretty big build up of lots of stuff.
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What do you most dislike about your appearance?
Right now, probably that my body still is quite where I want it, and I don’t have the budget for all the various clothing looks Id like to have. But my image is something I took years to find. Im quite happy with it.

Would you rather be clever and ugly, or thick and attractive?
Im quite happy being clever and attractive thank you. Casanova was UGLY. Appearance has nothing to do with being attractive.

Who would play you in the film of your life?
Who could play me?

What is your guiltiest pleasure?
I don’t really know. I like all of lifes pleasures and admit to them.

What is your most unappealing habit?
Some say arrogance. I say fuck them.

What is your fantasy fancy dress costume of choice?
Surfer always.

What is your current Favourite word
Constabulary. It doesn’t mean anything like what you’d expect it to. “Con” and “stab” and burly almost sounds like a crime.

What is your favourite smell?
Good question. It depends on the time of day and the mood. Early on a Sunday, bacon. Late evening on a Saturday, womenz.

What is your favourite book?
Think and Grow Rich by Napoleon Hill. It speaks to my raw evangelical positive views of life.

What is the worst thing anyone's ever said to you?
I think it’s a good thing that I can’t remember. People can be as nasty as they like. I know who my real friends are.

Cat or dog?
Dog, every single time. Look a playful dog in the eye and tell me they are not angels of joy.

What or who is the greatest love of your life
The sheer randomness, vastness and brilliance of people and the world they inhabit. I like lots of things many people see as apposing. I love sport and I love politics. I love philosophy and materialistic, simple human pleasures. I love how there is so much to learn, I love how I feel when I understand something better. I love helping people learn. I adore affection and being affectionate. I love how life has no rules but those you make yourself. I love how as humans we are truly free. I love how anything is possible.

Is it better to give or to receive?
Such an open ended question, and a tad cliché. It depends on the situation and who’s involved. Its often better to teach someone how to provide for themselves than to just hand out. (Looky, I found secret option C)

What do you owe your parents?
I owe my mum everything. She is an example of true unconditional love and happiness. She is constantly happy to see me, and always supportive. For her I want to succeed and make her proud. I want to be remembered in history as a great person, in honour of how well my mother raised me. I am nothing but the product of an incredible upbringing, with some travel and soul searching thrown in.
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If you could go back in time, where would you go?
The 1960s. I think its the most interesting period in human history. It was the first socially mobile generation, it saw the invention of the “teenager”. It was also the time of biggest change, the height of the cold war. I love the iconography, the music and the feel of it all.

To whom would you most like to say sorry, and why?
To anyone who was ever offended or hurt by me. It has never been my intention.

What do you consider your greatest achievement?
Being who I am. How can you encapsulate 23 years of achieving in a paragraph?

What does love feel like?
Bubblewrap. Emotionally and in terms of pure satisfaction

The best kiss of your life
The next.

Have you ever said I love you and not meant it.
Yup. Although in retrospect, I have since denounced the idea of “love” as a lifetime achievement and measuring stick of your success in society. It may sound nihilistic but "Love" as we know it was invented by advertising to sell a product. The world drops a whole load of rules on you to sell those products. Those rules don’t exist, and success comes to those who realise that

Who would you invite to your dream dinner party?
Jessica Alba and Eva Longoria (when her hair was longer). Im still pushing for that sandwich.

Which living person do you most despise and why?
I try not to despise people, but certainly their actions I can deplore. Right now I hate those who are two faced. I hate when someone is so convinced that their world view is right, that they will continue with a negative status quo to keep it, especially in the geopolitical arena.

Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
Depends on the week, I’m a MEME addict.

Biggest disappointment
Indie music. Whats the point? It’s safe, establishment pop. I wouldn’t mind if they admitted it, but they act like its so fucking edgy. It’s not at all. Hendrix would roll over in his grave, and Sid Vicious would be on stage trying to beat the shit out of the Arctic Pop Band.

If you could edit your past, what would you change
My school years were pretty boring. A typical “If I knew then what I know now”... but I wouldn’t be me then would I.

What is the worst job you’ve done?
Cleaning runny doggy poo whilst a funeral was going on downstairs.

When did you last cry and why?
When I heard the news I had the all clear. I wonder why...

How do you relax?
Stabbing cats.

How often do you have sex?
Varies greatly, but then so does my libido. I’ve gone through stages where its super regular in and out of relationships, and stages where I’m more dry. It’s not my primary motivation the majority of the time, but with that said I’m heading to Cancun Tuesday. Its one of those, the more I get, the more I want things.

What is the closest you've come to death?
Stepped out in front of a few cars and busses in my time.

What single thing would improve the quality of your life?
A solid job offer in LA.

What keeps you awake at night?
Insomnia mostly. I’m a nightcrawler with ADD.

How would you like to be remembered?
As someone who came, saw and enjoyed life. If I want to leave this world anything, it would be the understanding of the variety of subjects I enjoy. Or at least the passion to gain that understanding.

What song would you like played at your funeral
Incubus – Make yourself.

What is the most important lesson life has taught you?
If I hadn’t made me
I would have been made somehow
If I hadn’t assembled myself, I’d have fallen apart by now...
If you let them make you
They make you paper mushe
At a distance you’re strong
Until the wind comes
Then you crumble and blow away

If you let them fuck you
There will be no foreplay
Rest assured they’ll screw you complete
Turn your asshole blue and grey.

You should make amends with you
If only for better health
But if you really want to LIVE
Why not try, and make yourself
Make. Yourself.
MAKE... YOURSELF!!

Where would you most like to be right now?
On a beach in Cancun.

Tell us a joke.
No

Tell us a secret.
Do I have any? I can tell an interesting story. I once swallowed a 10p. Throwing and catching is more difficult than you would first thing when you have poor depth perception.

Me? Yeah Im a long way from Perfect.

But I don't mind. In fact I like it.

What follows is a poorly constructed un-edited rant, even by my own standards. I'm only doing so because in writing down my thoughts, I understand them better.

First off, Bullet for My Valentine's new album is immense. Its immense, despite sounding annoying from a distance. It's kinda like how people hate Russell Brand until they realise the man is a genius. The album has become my soundtrack to getting back into the gym after the good news of being all clear.

This payday I spent nearly £150 on new clothes, rediscovered some old clothes and booked a hotel in Cancun for spring break. By all accounts thats a damn good pay day. It will mean I'll be a hermit when I get back from Cancun but I really don't care. I feel like I've come home, and I've been gone for far too long. I never went anywhere, and resented when people said I wasn't my usual self.

Lesson learned, people saying "You changed" has the biggest impact, because no matter how much you put your head down and barrel through eventually you start to buy into it and live up to it. For the longest time I thought the lesson to draw from having Cancer was to be humble, but I actually realised it was the opposite. I was never supposed to be humble. I am the kind of guy that is supposed to shoot for the stars. I know that sounds arrogant, and in a way it is. I am divisive and I rub people the wrong way. It's never my intention, and not something I hope to do but I'm realising its ok to be me again. I know my intention and I know my heart.

It hit home Saturday when I went to my office. I haven't really been to the office on a regular basis since early 2006. Nearly two years. Looking around at my notepad, and in my desk drawer reminded me of the levels of success I had reached by 21 and who I am.

In a strange way its taken me two years to come full circle. I rebuilt myself, but in a completley different image to what I thought I was building. Only now is the impact of what happened in Vegas really hitting home. When I'm surrounded by like minded people I am at ease and ultra capable... but I was traditionally always best when I was doubted. Recently that changed. When I was doubted it made me rebel with inaction, rather than action.

So a pattern has emerged, those who stick with me through thick and thin, and the fickle who sling mud. The difference? Those who stick with me and will know me in 10 years are those who will criticize me to my face. I thank these people. Its now time for me to start paying off the investment of time and energy. I have a lot of travelling, thinking and innovating to do.

Who's up for some big ideas?

Being back in the gym, putting effort in at work and generally being my CONFIDENT self is the way forward. I'm not sorry to those who don't like that.

I tried to drain the sickness of others and drained my own spirit instead. My spirit is back and I feel galvanised. The miracle has hit, I'm waiting for the opportunity, I stare straight into the sun, and I won't close my eyes until I understand; or go blind.

How will I know limits from lies
If I never try?

There no promise of saftey
With these second hand wings
But Im willing to find out
What impossible means

Fly to the heavens
On feathers and dreams
Because the melting point of wax means nothing to me
Nothing to me!
Nothing to me!

I will touch the sun
Or I will die trying