Kicking out the Screaming bitches

We all go out like we come in... Kicking and screaming.

Hey look I'm writing a note on facebook. I guess I must have an agenda or something to prove. But yet I as I sit here thinking about what I've written about in the past two years, and the amount of positive feedback I've had from my writing... The only thought ringing through my head is "If you don't like it, don't read it".

In the last year:

I had cancer
Moved to Leeds
Travelled to Vegas & Cancun
Quit my job
And ranted about a few thoughts.

But that last one means, I have something to prove right?

I made a decision a long time ago to take action because I believe in it, not based on what other people think. It doesn't mean my decisions are correct, just that they are mine.

So maybe I'm writing because I like to diary my thoughts, I like to read my old writing... and for every person who has some half baked psychology agenda woven into everything I say and do... We'll you will never change someone's beliefs. Yet my conscience is clear. Crystal.

Can I persuade everyone of the reasons why we as a species sometimes fail each other?

No. That's a little optimistic. But I can and will take fault for everything I ever did wrong. I do suffer from delusions of eloquence. I can be short with people when I'm stressed out, and it takes a lot to convince me I'm wrong.

But I am far from the worst for any of the above. My mum said something astonishingly brilliant yesterday on the phone, probably without realising how profound it was for me... People love to have someone to blame besides themselves.

So I stand here, taking the blame for my own action. Will anyone join me?

Doggy Teachers

I saw this, and loved it.

If dogs were teachers, you would learn stuff like...

When a loved one comes home, always run to greet them-
Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride-
Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy-
When it's in your best interest, practice obedience-
Let others know when they've invaded your territory-
Take naps-
Stretch before rising
Run, romp, and play daily
Thrive on attention and let people touch you-
Avoid biting when a simple growl will do-
On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass-
On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree-
When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body
No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout, run right back and make friends-
Delight in the simple joy of a long walk-
Eat with gusto and enthusiasm-
Stop when you have had enough-
Be loyal-
Never pretend to be something you're not-
When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently-
And finally,
Never trust anyone until you smell their butt.

Just being.

Just being. It's amazing. I connect that to my philosophy of humanity being beautifully flawed. If we were perfect we could not have created art, music or films. Perfection is boring, but enduring human spirit is incredible. That human spirit, being; being inspired, and now about to learn how the universe began...

That human spirit doesn't need an end point to be happy.
That human spirit doesn't need a father figure to be happy
That human spirit doesn't even need an afterlife to be happy.

Those three things are ways to avoid being sad. Being happy is a case of just being.

I'm not about to live my life avoiding sadness, hurt or failure. Those three things make me who I am. Having had cancer, rejecting the disease and using that as motivation to succeed in life, I see no need for divinity. Having stared death in the face, I didn't reach out for an afterlife, I just hoped I would be remembered.

And you know what? I'm pretty certain the people I've met would remember me. For being a good person, an interesting person, and one not afraid to question perceived wisdom. Question everything. Somebody else's answer may not always work for you. Especially if you don't share their insecurities.

What is the point in being alive, and being free thinking, if we just accept 2000 year old stories about the nature of existence?

Life is what YOU make of it. Not what someone else made of it.

Because my opinion in Mundane shit MATTERS

Do you think it's bad to have sex at your age?
Well 24 is really old, but its that kind of cool old. Where the older folks think of you as smart bright young things, and kids wish they could be grown up like you. So mid 20s is about as awesome as life gets. Although they say men get happier as they get older. So who knows.

Where is your boyfriend/girlfriend at the moment?
On the Set of Desperate Housewives.

*fawn*

Were you happy when you woke up today?
Weirdly; no. I had a longing feeling, and was annoyed I missed my alarm by an hour. But then, there was £35,000 in my account. Can't complain.

Who was the last person you ate with?
Diego. Fish and veg. Surprisingly good.

Are you in a good mood?
Yeah, now I'm getting shit done.
www. sytaylor. net took me a day to do. Check out how awesome I am.

Do you want to have kids?
I want to have offspring and impart knowledge. But I don't see me changing poo stained nappies.

Have you ever watched a movie drunk?
Yeah although its not something I choose to do very often. The bottle of wine the first time I watched Layer Cake just made it more epic.

Has anyone ever told you they're in love with you?
Yeah, although when Andy Peters told me as a kid, I KNEW right there and then, something was up with that guy. It's not ok for him to be "cool" in an ironic way now. He was talking to kids down the tv spreading his gayness.

Do you believe in true love?
I believe in loving true. Anything that is true between two people is beautiful. Regardless of what others think. Loving true, means loving honestly, openly and accepting who YOU and who THEY are. No living a dream. But in beautiful reality.

Do you wear sweatpants?
No, although Im considering buying a proper gym kit.

Have you ever stolen a sign from a street?
Plenty.

What is something you'd like to have right now?
Solid travel plans. I want to/need to travel. In fact I'm gonna research it.

Are you playing hard to get right now?
Playing? I don't play, I just am annoyingly forgetful and appear arrogant.

Are you proud of the person you've become?
Yes. I created this imperfectly wonderful mess you all call Sy, and I like it. Faults and all. Believe me when I say, you wouldn't recognise me 5 years ago.

When did you last hold hands with someone?
Saturday, it was completley accidental. I accused the random girl of trying to make a pinky swear with me on the sly. Conversation ensued. It was horrible. Mainly because she'd managed to put together a HOT outfit for £30, and mine was 10x that, at least.

How good is your eyesight?
Genuinely terrible. Not only am I a bit short sighted, I have very poor depth perception. When I was younger I would REGULARLY wave at strangers... and you wonder why I had no confidence as a kid...

Would you ever want to swim with the sharks?
Dolphins mate, I swear I have an affinity with all intelligent mamals.

What would you say if I told you I was in love with your brother?
I'd say of course you are. The man is a legend. His legend spreads through many lands as the most dry witted motherfucker that ever lived. You know when you see a squirrel just stop randomly? That's a squirrel KNOWING.

When's the last time you got on an airplane?
March. The worst thing about Manchester airport is arriving there on a cold morning at 6am. It's just HORRIBLE. Although my opinion of Manchester is slowly improving as I get older.

What time did you wake up this morning?
10am, shamefully. Set the alarm for 8:30.

What are you doing this weekend?
Dark Knight on Friday with Scott/Diego/anyone else. Then Saturday its LAX at Oracle.

Are you dating anyone right now?
No, only in my head.

Have you kissed someone with braces?
No. Dear god no. I bet whoever wrote this question sent it to just one girl. At which point they slipped this question in, just to see if it was possible. Hidden amongst a load of other mundane shit. So crafty.

If you could change your eye color what would it be?
I kinda suit the darkness they have goin on. Plus very few people get to see my eyes properly.

What are you listening to?
Avenged Sevenfold - MIA

When was the last time you hugged someone?
Do man hugs count? If not then Monday, I hugged the motherbear.

Who was the last person to make you laugh?
Worlds Wackiest Sports on TMF. Its on nearly every night on freeview. You need to check out this show, its freakin funny. It's like Jackass only FUNNY.

How many 20$ bills do you have?
Technically. around 2,600

What did you do last night?
Hit the gym, then laid out in front of the TV exhausted... before time travelling into the future and seeing how things go down later this month. I liked what I saw.

Do you dance in the car?
I mosh.

Would you rather sleep at a friend's or have them over?
Have them over. This place is pretty cool. You hear that folks... MY HOUSE IS BETTER THAN YOURS. (Ok, so I rent it, it's not mine so much as it's leased, but I'm taking it because I'm disillusioned; and pretty)

Do you have a hard time admitting you're wrong?
It's hard to get me to believe I'm wrong, because most of my opinions aren't plucked out of thin air, or from youtube. But it can, and is regularly done. People I yield to regularly are the ones that understand subjects far better than me.

Wallpaper on your cell phone?
The earth from space. It looks AWESOME.

Favorite holiday?
My birth month. Also known as July, July July.... It was a lovely year, such a lovely tiiiiiime...

Do you really want to speak to someone right now?
A bunch of people yeah, stop being in different countries or at work.

Do you like to travel by plane?
YES. I NEED IT. ITS IN MY BLOOD.

Are you hiding something from someone?
I'm packing heat... in my pants. But other than that no.

Did you get enough sleep last night?
Too much, and I've noticed it makes you feel kinda shitty.

Favorite song?
Incubus - Make Yourself. The song came into my life at 17 when I really had to do exactly that, everything in my life was changing.

Who has texted you in the last 24 hrs?
Ryan, my mum, Jo & nobody else... woe is me.

Have you ever made out in a bathroom?
Gotta love the options.

Who was the last person to give you flowers?
Some random hippie type in London. Tried to force a flower on me for some peace and love based poor logic. Yes, giving ME a flower makes me want to PUNCH you, stupid hippie.

Do you find piercings attractive?
Jesus christ, and tattoos, Suicide girls ftw

Writing. BECAUSE I ENJOY IT

I'm writing because it feels like the right thing to do.

Although I'm eating seeds because I'm a liiiiiittle peckish.

Such are my motivations on a cloudy, lazy sunday. Also, I'd rather do anything than watch shipwrecked. It's NOT tv. There's no drama, group A fights to be more popular than group B. Film a high school, would be much more entertaining.

I turn 24 in exactly ten days. There will be cake. Wholesale, infeasibility stupid amounts of cake. Then the day after my mum is cooking me Turkey Dinosours, potato waffles and spaghetti shapes. WHAT A MEAL. Top that people, top that shit.

So I've made the decision to go the whole hog and have my hair reduced to 2005 levels of shortness. This may shock and even astound many of you who have only known me with short hair, but I always said it will change when I get bored of long. I think the accidental Dog the Bounty Hunter haircut sped the process along a little

Look at that guy, he looks like Hulk Hogan without the steroids. Although in the scale of all time WERIDO's his wife takes the CAKE (spot the NLP)

All kinds of eww. Don't let her pop into your head whilst eating.

So its bye bye long hair, hello investing in a lot of smart and semi smart clothing. I've wanted a more "Zara" style wardrobe for a while now but not had the money. I had a bunch of good stuff that my dad threw out too. But opportunity knocks in the form of a BIG fat cheque.

I adore haddock.

Its such a good fish.

Good little fishy.

Supposed to be a cool band playing at HiFi tonight, may check it out if its not too sweaty. I'm ending here because my ADD is itching to do other things. Byaaaaaaaa

Download 08: Reported.

After five consecutive years doing the same festival, it was about time to do it right.

Sounds easy right?

You'd be surprised how much planning goes into doing a festival right. Getting everyone to meet before you set off at a Blockbuster car park. Hiring a van. Bringing the essentials including:

*Tent, sleeping bag, douvet & pillow and a beer holding chair
* CD Player + CDs
* Gazebo to keep the sun/rain off the BBQ
* 18 crates of beer and jagermeister pre-funnelled into plastic bottles
* Two wheeled beer carrying thing that pubs use

DRUGS?! Who said anything about DRUGS?!

The journey down was traffic free, and even involved KFC. Already a good start and we're not even there yet. Download is pretty easy to find, and always horribly organised when you get there. Finding the entrance to the car park was a science itself. Once we're all nice and parked up it's time for the epic trail into the campsite. Shuffling 1 yard a minute once you get into the queue is sadly a reality of festival life, and this year so are sniffer dogs it seems. The good news is, the sniffer dogs are looking for biscuits, and otherwise inept.

For some reason Scott, Stouty and Whitley thought it would be a good idea to bring a scaled down model of the Taj Mahal for their tent. It took maybe two hours before everyone is set up and sat down with a beer in hand. The goal at this point is to get as wasted as possible.

As much as we're all there for the bands, the banter is what makes the week. This Wednesday night was a chance to renew old friendships and swap war stories... and get so blind drunk it was hard to know who and where you are. At one point that evening we were hoping "Class A" Dave would magically appear in the tent for confirmation of something. Shouting wasn't working so Stouty simply shouted something which shall not be repeated but is largely innocuous to the untrained ear.

One, two, three... four. Dave's head pops through the door

"You What? Time for Ground Saint Pound?"

Dave proceeds to go for the full mount and punches on stouty, who is cackling away like a mad man during the whole process. He then hands a penknife to penknife.

Thursday is Alton Towers. How better to prepare than a full english breakfast? We set off in convoy, with my car full, and everyone else in the back of the transit van scott hired. Who knew the first ride of the day would be splatted against the walls of a Transit...

Actually the first ride was Squirrel Nutty. A kids ride that didn't top 5mph. Truly an exciting experience. Reminiscent of the scene from Austin Powers where the dude gets run over by the steam roller, very slowly. That was however just a warm up for the first ride, which is an exercise in insanity. Close to the entrance of Alton Towers it never seems to get much attention, I even forgot its name. The ingenious contraption has pods of 4 seats which spin on a 360 degree axis as you are flung mercilessly around the track...

Backwards?! Nobody said anything about BACKWARDS

It quickly becomes apparent on the ascent, that backwards is indeed, part of the deal. From there the only way was up. Up to Oblivion, which took on a double significance today. The queue for Oblivion is more than a little patronising with its mini TV show thing trying to scare you. So as much as we were all giving it the big licks before the ride "Arms up all the way boys". The second that ride moves you cling onto the harness like a South American immigrant. Rita, the queen of speed is downright abusive, and Air is possibly the most doom laden ride in history. I found myself convinced 5 or more times I was going to smash into the floor.

So after being a good little consumer and spending way too much money winning over sized stuffed dogs Alton Towers had to end. It's back to the camp site to get hammered again, and relive the stories of the day. The road from the M1 south to Alton Towers is a strange country lane thing. I had a lot of fun watching Scott trying to navigate the van through winding little country lanes.

Total Torment at Download!..... YOOOU WHAT?!

The day starts with a truly epic trek to the main stage. Due to racetrack politics, and the Moto GP being next week, the main stage has been moved to China, and we have to walk there from the campsite. JOY. What's more the walk is nearly all up hill and dustier than the Sahara on a windy day. But once you're in the area, you're in, and the bands, the bands begin.

First up is Seether, a melodic happy go lucky kind of Metal band. Friendly on the ear, although they did an eerily impressive "In Bloom" cover. My memories of them are somewhat bolstered by the fact it was the first band I'd heard all week and live music sounds SO much better. Then it was due to be Kid Rock but he was "Ill". When the announcement was made, it was like the crowd had just won the lottery. A huge cheer went up. The message from Download: Don't get well soon Kid Rock. What a lovely bunch.

Next up are disturbed and Motorhead who proceed to rock the afternoon away. Both bands I have seen before, neither of whom I was particularly fussed to see. The banter at that stage was much more important, and a sleeping Aaron made for great entertainment.

That's enough frolics for one day, time for some serious business. Rise Against were playing the Tuborg stage and I was about to lose all control. I've long said that your proximity to the front of the stage directly affects your enjoyment of the show. So in arriving late I figured I would be disappointed. How wrong I was. Rise Against are amazing live, especially the vocals which sound perfect. Considering just how amazing I always thought the vocals were, I was left with a post orgasmic glow by the end of the show. Tshirt buying time. Rise Against are one of those bands that never seem to get the recognition Jimmy Eat World do, even though they do the same thing So SO much better. Bleck.

The final band of the night Kiss, are legitimate legends. They put on one hell of a show, but after Rise Against I need sleep. Two whole days of bands awaited me, and I'd already lived through an amazing experience. Did I mention it was time to get wasted again?... No? Well we did.

Is it Saturday already? How can that happen?! Alton Towers already felt like a life time ago. Especially with the hike from the camp site to the arena. Waking up sweaty after falling asleep freezing is an odd experience, one of the many unique to festivals. Saturday however had a much, much better lineup than Friday. Friday was quiet, and had one band I lost myself in. Saturday had a monster of a dilemma. Do I go see Incubus, my all time favourite band for the first time in my entire life, or do I go do the funky chicken to Pendoolum?

Honourable mention goes to Skindred who I am reliably informed rocked the house early in the morning while I was at tesco using the disabled loo for a wash. My first band of the day were 36 Crazyfists. Double kickdrums, powerful grunty verses and melodic choruses. A damn good show. The next surprise was Throwdown who sound like Pantera. I was hearing them for the first time and WILL be investing more listening time into this band. They had a rabid crowd at the front, and ponderous observers at the back. What is the solution to this conundrum you ask?

You crazy motherfuckers at the front turn around and give the pussies at the back a friendly hello

The front of the crowd gives the finger to the back. Awesome. Then it all got a little bit diabolical.. At the request of the lead singer the front and back open up; "If you don't wanna get involved, run away with your tails between your legs". Then in a scene from Braveheart on queue the front and back collide in a huge mess of jumping, bumping and moshed excitement. Wow.

Biffy Clyro were on the main stage, so I went to get my hair washed.

I caught half of Bullet for My Valentine who are ok, nothing special. I was there so I could be up front for Incubus. I ended up about 9 bodies from the front, happier than a fat kid in a cake factory.

Did Incubus roll out all my favourite songs just for me? Did they play a lot of their old stuff? Did they Jam out in the middle of songs and create something completley new, unique and amazing? FUCK YES. When you're favourite band exceeds your expectations, what more can you ask for? At this point I was thinking the day had peaked. There was no icing to this cake made of pure icing.

But there was a cherry...

I decided to get a massage because my back felt like it had been pummelled all week. I'm a self confessed raging metrosexual who is built for city life. I needed RnR. The healing "area" at the festival was really cool. Chilled out music, a bar that wasn't too busy and the pleasant whiff of Class C drugs. After which I meandered out heading for the camp site to get hammered.

So there I am strolling towards the Tuborg stage which is near the exit of the Arena, and what do I see but a big Heartagram on the stage? Well I never, I forgot HIM were playing next. Well its worth a look. I keep walking towards a non existent crowd and find myself 30 people from the front. Villè Valo appears on stage and before I know it there was a crowd behind me. Rock out with my cock out time. :D

Strolling back under a full(ish) moon to the camp site I was left with that experience of living double. Where you're happier than usual to be alive and to have experienced what you did.

Whitley, have you just done what I think you havef?

Once in a while something so funny happens you lose the ability to breathe. It began with some seemingly innocent swigs of Jagermeister. As the camp site grew rowdy on a cold Saturday night, young markus because illegible and rambling. At one point telling us "I'm gonna be at the Sunday market tomorrow, buying video games for £7". Then he tries to stand up to go for a piss. He overshoots and lands in Stoutys lap. Saucy.

Stouty then announces he is done for the night, and is off into the tent for a wank. Whitley continues to ramble with the grin of a drunken man. Until finally he falls asleep. Leaving us with a dilemma, leave him there to wake up at 5am confused and cold. Or carry him to the tent. We decide unanimously to procrastinate. A victory for decisiveness.

After a while of being silent young Whitley then starts to grin, at which point dave shouts "Whitley, have you just pissed yourself?". Cue lots of laughter, especially when the light was shone in that direction and you could see the evidence. Stouty being the male nurse was called out to help. The reply was "Do you mind, I'm trying to wank and you guys keep talking to me!!". Ckassy. Scott and Stouty have to carry Whitley back into the tent and strip him off, despite him protesting the "rape". Ahhh... Another year another mess.

Was Alton Towers really 3 days ago?

The sun rises, the tent is sweaty and people are talking outside. It must be Sunday.

The early part of the day was quite barren in terms of bands, but allowed us to check out the "village" section of the arena. Plenty of shops giving Sunday stock deals. I picked up two famous stars and straps Tshirts for £10. As well as a slipknot Hoodie, to go with the Jeans I got from Tesco. If only festival shops existed outside festivals. Good do!

Airborne are very AC/DC, and if you like that sort of thing they deliver, although they made one two many jibes about the cricket for my liking. In Flames on the main stage were exceptional. Here is a band finally getting some recognition for a 10 year career packed with incredible albums. If its possible to create beautiful brutality they do it. They do it better than anyone else.

Beautiful. Brutal.

What next, Jimmy Eat World and Lostprophets? Err NO! I came very close to buying a "Fuck Lostoprophets tshirt", but I did like their first album. So Children of Bodom it was.

Lets get one thing clear. You will not like this band. You are incapable of understanding them. They will scare you away before you realise the brilliance. That's the way I love it. They blew the roof off of the entire UK. What an incredible performance and a perfect warm up for...

Cavilera Conspiracy. Now, if you never liked Sepultura or Soulfly this won't mean much to you, but if you did. IGOR and MAX are back together. Roots, bloody roots plays out over a setting sun to a full moon. The last band of Download are bursting ear drums. What a year. What a festival. What good friends I have.

Even the shitty organisation in the car park on the way home couldn't bring me down. It took most people 3 hours to move 50 yards... We snuck out in 20 mins due to some ninja driving.

Perfect festival?... Well Leeds you got a lot to live up to, but I'm already getting excited. Until then. I've been exceptionally drunk and disorderly. Good night.

Yawn!

Its been a long time since I've had NO money.

I could take out a loan or get a new credit card, but now isn't the time to do that at all. The last time the universe enforced this much boredom on me, having an apartment, a car and a life was all a pipe dream. So its been a good 8 years since staying in and doing absolutely nothing was part of life.

Let me make something clear. IT SUCKS. Having gotten used to being a social animal for the best part of a decade, and being capable of enjoying the fruits of having a little money I got complacent. That could be seen as a bad thing, but it's really not. I now expect a damn good quality of life, and feel annoyed, and motivated to change it when it's not there.

On July 16th I will be 24 years old, nearly a quater century. Thats a long time on the planet, but being honest I really feel that my best work is ahead of me and perhaps its time that shouldn't be the case any more. It's hard to balance massive impatience and ambition with sense and hard work.

I guess the long and short of it is, its time for the revolution to come. I'm talented in a lot of unique and marketable ways. How do I cash those in? Ideas are welcome. There are plenty of Irons in the fire, but the fire just isn't hot enough.

Thoughts welcome.

Legitimate Breakthrough fast.

Do

I've done it. I've found it. The most monumental discovery of my entire life.

I always thought Kelloggs variety cereal packs were way too small in portions. Then it hit me, COMBINE cereals! Frosties AND coca pops all in one bowl. Let me tell you, you are not ready for how good this gets. If you happen to be addicted to heroin or bubblewrap, this could be the solution for you.

I've often thought most people can and could get into heavy metal music if they gave it a chance, because I've witnessed and watched various people do just that. Yet, I'm beginning to enjoy the barrier to its entry. Its like my secret cavern full of joys, and for some egocentric reason humanity sees rare as special. I'll take it though, its a relief from the endless repetition of mainstream music. Not that mainstream is bad, its just EVERYWHERE and too much of anything annoys.

I wish to fashion a rudimentary sailboat from paper.

Being broke and bored has driven me to be really busy with work for the past few days, and Im dying for something social. Where are you people of Leeds? Easter is quiet around these parts. Town is full of chav kids. Its so weird.

I had a dream where I got my hair cut whilst I was sleeping and I when I found out I was GUTTED. Was such a relief to wake up. Who knew, Im actually attached to the mop that sits on my head.

It struck me earlier that I look like Jesus mated with Chewbakka somehow, and that their child became a snowboarder.

Loop.

Questions, Answers & Meaning

When were you happiest?
Hard to say, Im always pretty happy. Getting the “all clear” was pretty good, and being in the VIP areas of Vegas knowing that my life is amazing too. But often the best moments are listening to music on a train adoring the scenery, or even just looking out of the window while a breeze hits you. Life is joy.

What is your greatest fear?
Success and failure.

Earliest memory
Pushing my head against the cot at about 18 months old.

Which living person do you most admire?
Living... Hard to say. Anyone who has achieved and is happy in their life. We can learn from everyone. Whether its what to do, or what not to do.

What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
My lazyness.

What is the trait you most deplore in others?
Two faced people. The only thing required to be a friend of mine is honesty. Anyone who bitches behind my back quickly becomes a former friend.

What was your most embarrassing moment?
Meh. Who knows.

Excluding property, what's the most expensive thing that you've ever bought?
Probably my car.

What is your most treasured possession?
Life, then health. This year brought that home to me. After that my PC. Not because its amazing (and it is), but because it has all my music, films, photos and best work. It contains my ideas and is a reflection of the world I live in.

Where would you like to live?
Probably Malibu, or Miami.

What would your super power be?
Life is amazing because its a struggle. Success is only pleasurable because we have to work for it. I’m actually not sure I’d want to remove that mechanism. Although I would love the Orgasmo ray from Orgasmo. I have something similar in glove form though.

What makes you depressed?
Very few things, it has to be a pretty big build up of lots of stuff.
.
What do you most dislike about your appearance?
Right now, probably that my body still is quite where I want it, and I don’t have the budget for all the various clothing looks Id like to have. But my image is something I took years to find. Im quite happy with it.

Would you rather be clever and ugly, or thick and attractive?
Im quite happy being clever and attractive thank you. Casanova was UGLY. Appearance has nothing to do with being attractive.

Who would play you in the film of your life?
Who could play me?

What is your guiltiest pleasure?
I don’t really know. I like all of lifes pleasures and admit to them.

What is your most unappealing habit?
Some say arrogance. I say fuck them.

What is your fantasy fancy dress costume of choice?
Surfer always.

What is your current Favourite word
Constabulary. It doesn’t mean anything like what you’d expect it to. “Con” and “stab” and burly almost sounds like a crime.

What is your favourite smell?
Good question. It depends on the time of day and the mood. Early on a Sunday, bacon. Late evening on a Saturday, womenz.

What is your favourite book?
Think and Grow Rich by Napoleon Hill. It speaks to my raw evangelical positive views of life.

What is the worst thing anyone's ever said to you?
I think it’s a good thing that I can’t remember. People can be as nasty as they like. I know who my real friends are.

Cat or dog?
Dog, every single time. Look a playful dog in the eye and tell me they are not angels of joy.

What or who is the greatest love of your life
The sheer randomness, vastness and brilliance of people and the world they inhabit. I like lots of things many people see as apposing. I love sport and I love politics. I love philosophy and materialistic, simple human pleasures. I love how there is so much to learn, I love how I feel when I understand something better. I love helping people learn. I adore affection and being affectionate. I love how life has no rules but those you make yourself. I love how as humans we are truly free. I love how anything is possible.

Is it better to give or to receive?
Such an open ended question, and a tad cliché. It depends on the situation and who’s involved. Its often better to teach someone how to provide for themselves than to just hand out. (Looky, I found secret option C)

What do you owe your parents?
I owe my mum everything. She is an example of true unconditional love and happiness. She is constantly happy to see me, and always supportive. For her I want to succeed and make her proud. I want to be remembered in history as a great person, in honour of how well my mother raised me. I am nothing but the product of an incredible upbringing, with some travel and soul searching thrown in.
.
If you could go back in time, where would you go?
The 1960s. I think its the most interesting period in human history. It was the first socially mobile generation, it saw the invention of the “teenager”. It was also the time of biggest change, the height of the cold war. I love the iconography, the music and the feel of it all.

To whom would you most like to say sorry, and why?
To anyone who was ever offended or hurt by me. It has never been my intention.

What do you consider your greatest achievement?
Being who I am. How can you encapsulate 23 years of achieving in a paragraph?

What does love feel like?
Bubblewrap. Emotionally and in terms of pure satisfaction

The best kiss of your life
The next.

Have you ever said I love you and not meant it.
Yup. Although in retrospect, I have since denounced the idea of “love” as a lifetime achievement and measuring stick of your success in society. It may sound nihilistic but "Love" as we know it was invented by advertising to sell a product. The world drops a whole load of rules on you to sell those products. Those rules don’t exist, and success comes to those who realise that

Who would you invite to your dream dinner party?
Jessica Alba and Eva Longoria (when her hair was longer). Im still pushing for that sandwich.

Which living person do you most despise and why?
I try not to despise people, but certainly their actions I can deplore. Right now I hate those who are two faced. I hate when someone is so convinced that their world view is right, that they will continue with a negative status quo to keep it, especially in the geopolitical arena.

Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
Depends on the week, I’m a MEME addict.

Biggest disappointment
Indie music. Whats the point? It’s safe, establishment pop. I wouldn’t mind if they admitted it, but they act like its so fucking edgy. It’s not at all. Hendrix would roll over in his grave, and Sid Vicious would be on stage trying to beat the shit out of the Arctic Pop Band.

If you could edit your past, what would you change
My school years were pretty boring. A typical “If I knew then what I know now”... but I wouldn’t be me then would I.

What is the worst job you’ve done?
Cleaning runny doggy poo whilst a funeral was going on downstairs.

When did you last cry and why?
When I heard the news I had the all clear. I wonder why...

How do you relax?
Stabbing cats.

How often do you have sex?
Varies greatly, but then so does my libido. I’ve gone through stages where its super regular in and out of relationships, and stages where I’m more dry. It’s not my primary motivation the majority of the time, but with that said I’m heading to Cancun Tuesday. Its one of those, the more I get, the more I want things.

What is the closest you've come to death?
Stepped out in front of a few cars and busses in my time.

What single thing would improve the quality of your life?
A solid job offer in LA.

What keeps you awake at night?
Insomnia mostly. I’m a nightcrawler with ADD.

How would you like to be remembered?
As someone who came, saw and enjoyed life. If I want to leave this world anything, it would be the understanding of the variety of subjects I enjoy. Or at least the passion to gain that understanding.

What song would you like played at your funeral
Incubus – Make yourself.

What is the most important lesson life has taught you?
If I hadn’t made me
I would have been made somehow
If I hadn’t assembled myself, I’d have fallen apart by now...
If you let them make you
They make you paper mushe
At a distance you’re strong
Until the wind comes
Then you crumble and blow away

If you let them fuck you
There will be no foreplay
Rest assured they’ll screw you complete
Turn your asshole blue and grey.

You should make amends with you
If only for better health
But if you really want to LIVE
Why not try, and make yourself
Make. Yourself.
MAKE... YOURSELF!!

Where would you most like to be right now?
On a beach in Cancun.

Tell us a joke.
No

Tell us a secret.
Do I have any? I can tell an interesting story. I once swallowed a 10p. Throwing and catching is more difficult than you would first thing when you have poor depth perception.

Me? Yeah Im a long way from Perfect.

But I don't mind. In fact I like it.

What follows is a poorly constructed un-edited rant, even by my own standards. I'm only doing so because in writing down my thoughts, I understand them better.

First off, Bullet for My Valentine's new album is immense. Its immense, despite sounding annoying from a distance. It's kinda like how people hate Russell Brand until they realise the man is a genius. The album has become my soundtrack to getting back into the gym after the good news of being all clear.

This payday I spent nearly £150 on new clothes, rediscovered some old clothes and booked a hotel in Cancun for spring break. By all accounts thats a damn good pay day. It will mean I'll be a hermit when I get back from Cancun but I really don't care. I feel like I've come home, and I've been gone for far too long. I never went anywhere, and resented when people said I wasn't my usual self.

Lesson learned, people saying "You changed" has the biggest impact, because no matter how much you put your head down and barrel through eventually you start to buy into it and live up to it. For the longest time I thought the lesson to draw from having Cancer was to be humble, but I actually realised it was the opposite. I was never supposed to be humble. I am the kind of guy that is supposed to shoot for the stars. I know that sounds arrogant, and in a way it is. I am divisive and I rub people the wrong way. It's never my intention, and not something I hope to do but I'm realising its ok to be me again. I know my intention and I know my heart.

It hit home Saturday when I went to my office. I haven't really been to the office on a regular basis since early 2006. Nearly two years. Looking around at my notepad, and in my desk drawer reminded me of the levels of success I had reached by 21 and who I am.

In a strange way its taken me two years to come full circle. I rebuilt myself, but in a completley different image to what I thought I was building. Only now is the impact of what happened in Vegas really hitting home. When I'm surrounded by like minded people I am at ease and ultra capable... but I was traditionally always best when I was doubted. Recently that changed. When I was doubted it made me rebel with inaction, rather than action.

So a pattern has emerged, those who stick with me through thick and thin, and the fickle who sling mud. The difference? Those who stick with me and will know me in 10 years are those who will criticize me to my face. I thank these people. Its now time for me to start paying off the investment of time and energy. I have a lot of travelling, thinking and innovating to do.

Who's up for some big ideas?

Being back in the gym, putting effort in at work and generally being my CONFIDENT self is the way forward. I'm not sorry to those who don't like that.

I tried to drain the sickness of others and drained my own spirit instead. My spirit is back and I feel galvanised. The miracle has hit, I'm waiting for the opportunity, I stare straight into the sun, and I won't close my eyes until I understand; or go blind.

How will I know limits from lies
If I never try?

There no promise of saftey
With these second hand wings
But Im willing to find out
What impossible means

Fly to the heavens
On feathers and dreams
Because the melting point of wax means nothing to me
Nothing to me!
Nothing to me!

I will touch the sun
Or I will die trying

An Interesting Scrubs Episode

I know what you're thinking, this note brought to you by "A cold day in Hell" and featuring the "Flying Pigs quartet". Normally I despise Scrubs, its there with Jo Whiley as one of those things that seems incomprehensible and yet popular. It lacks humour, it has the worst lead actor in history and rolls around in its own shitness.

So yes I despise it.

But todays second episode on E4 was different. JD and Elliot despite their "will they wont they" love affair, just randomly started having sex. They were friends during the day, and when they went home, occasionally they'd fuck. It made them both calmer and happier people.

Then the typical Scrubs "We're trying to be Friends" bit hits, and they break it off for no good reason but the point stuck. Sex is prescribed as a cure for a whole list of ailments including wrinkles, stress, endurance...

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/4703166.stm

With Valentines coming up, could sex be the answer (Or just Sex Panther)?? Or avoiding sex pests.

Yes the last one.

Why I couldn't sleep

I went to the doctors earlier today, and I knew they were going to tell me off for having missed appointments over christmas (I was ill), and then re-arranging one to go to Vegas. I still went there quite confident my recent pains were the remains of infection that just WONT go away.

My reasoning is this, The pain got worse after I stopped antibiotics, it hit me on a flight to Vegas, and gave me upset stomach and gurgling. A few days later it subsided. So I get to the oncology ward, my usual bouncy quite happy self, and they make me wait JUUUUUUST long enough to be bored and not quite so happy.

I head in, and get said bollocking, and they mention the sample they took of my wee had no sign of infection. My first though is why would it? The infection isn't in my bladder... but then surely and infection infects all of you?... But then I was on the antibiotics at the time I gave the sample.

Anyways, all this stuff is swirling around my head instead of sleep. That and discomfort in the lower abdomen and around sensitive parts. I'm writing this out to hope maybe it will leave my head. But how are you supposed to sleep when all you can think is "what if?"

What if I have to shave my head?
What if it spreads to the other ball, no kids?

The worst part about it all is I just want to curl up and hug.

I dont get like this often, I mean its SUPER rare. Normally I want to be the life of the party, and Ive been especially horny and outgoing lately too.

I'm scared. I admit it. Its 4am and I cant sleep.

I wonder whats on BBC news 24.

(Edit, Jan 09: What was interesting about this blog was who didn't respond to it)

Questionaire 2.

1. Who was the last person to call you babe?
I fucking hate that word. So probably Ryan, after I told him under no circumstances is he allowed to do so.

2. When shopping at the grocery store, do you return your cart?
No I leave it by my car, or occasionally get a few and race around the car park. Not done that in too long.

3. If you had to kiss the last person you kissed, would you?
Yeah, I tend not to kiss idiots or people I don't like. That would just be silly. Although the last thing I kissed was a dog (ON THE HEAD on account of the cuteness). Don't go getting weird ideas. Weirdo.

4. Has someone ever sang a song to you?
Plenty of bands have, and I'm under no illusion the rest of the crowd thought it was for them too... but I KNOW it was for me. Such is the joy of narcissism.

5. Do you play Sudoku?
It sounds like a martial art for coronation street cast members... but no. I like to try and fit amusing words into the gaps and then leave them on trains... Like I thought it was a crossword and fucked up.

6. If abandoned alone in the wilderness would you survive?
Define wilderness. If you dropped me in the sahara desert with no water I'd be screwed, but in Woods a couple of miles from the A1, shouldn't be too hard to find a petrol station and steal a mars bar.

7. Have you danced in the rain?
What a stupid thing to do. Why? Why would you?

8. Would you consider yourself a jock/prep/goth/emo/gangste

r?
skater-jock-prep-goth-emo-gangster... about covers it actually

9. Ever been to the beach?
Which beach? I've been to "A" beach, in fact many beaches.

10. Do you like cheese?
It really depends. Its a temperamental sod. I mean sometimes its really rewarding, and adds to nearly any meal, but then there is the really sweaty stuff. I just don't get it. You blue stilton eaters are wrong. WRONG AND SICK

11. Have you ever been to the emergency room?
Yeah, I... I swallowed a 10p.... :(

12. Do you like hot or cold weather more?
hot, no cold... no... hot... Hot climate, plenty of air con. Win.

13. How many different kinds of meat have you eaten?
Veal, Pork, Duck, Lamb, Beef, Chicken, Turkey... Any more?

14. Do you pass gas and blame it on others?
The king does not pass gas, he enjoys it.

15. Do you like winter?
He's alright. Keeps leaving the toilet seat covered in piss though. Nob.

16. Have you wiped a booger under your desk?
Not under MY desk, but plenty of other desks

17. Do you have a secret crush?
Nope, in fact, if you're female and attractive, available (and not a nob), I probably want sex with you.

18. If your house was on fire, what would be the first thing you would do?
Unplug my pc, grab it and run. Yes really, but I live in an apartment block with sprinklers.

19. Would you get plastic surgery?
No, Im hawt. Metal surgery sounds interesting though.

20. Who do you text the most?
Facebook. Seriously.

21. What color are your eyes?
BLOOD RED

22. How tall are you?
7'9 and a third

23. Do you wish you had smaller feet?
No, why on earth would I want smaller feet? I kinda like the size 11 thing I got going on.

24. Has a rumor been spread about you?
Probably, I'm divisive, and really really beardy

25. Have you written a secret admirer letter?
When I was 11. Becky Cawthra, and the bitch did nothing about it. I made an interesting rhyme and everything. Little did I know grovelling love letters only work if you wear a suit and appear in Marks and Spencer adverts.

26. Ever fallen for your best friend?
My best friend is a dude. So no.

27. Age you lost your virginity?
I'm dying to say 7, and to a carrot in the ass... but 16

28. Would you pretend to like something to please your partner?
Thats a very dodgy question. I wouldn't go for the gimp mask shit. Im too naturally dominant for that.

29. Favorite Ex?
Laus, without question. We're still good friends.

30. Are you insecure about your weight?
Its a bit low by my standards, but Im hitting the gym more. I'll be back at 14 and a half stone before long

31. Ever had a sexual fantasy?
Im getting hornier as I get older. Its like my body went "well they took a testicle, lets spread that damn DNA"

32. Would you rather give or recieve?
Give, its not gay if you give it... Scott says...

33. Do you prefer to sleep or eat?
Eat, fall asleep, wake up, and eat again

34. Do you look like your mom or dad?
My uncle. YEAH, didnt see secret option 3 comin did you? HAaaa

35. How long does it take you in the shower?
Depends if Im washing my hair or having a wank, or both.

36. Do you watch reality tv?
Sports I guess counts. Id love to be on reality tv as an audience member just giving them shit.

37. What movie do you want to see right now?
The Life of David Gale. It rocks

38. Do you illegally burn music?
Technically yes, although its a grey area.

39. What did you do for New Years Eve?
Watched American Dad with Cat (and got SPLURGED), then went out with Ry, Annie, Sarah and Noreen... then a hamster showed up with Inspector Pook.

40. Do you think The Grudge was crappy?
Not as shit as this quiz. Who writes these questions?

41. Last sporting event attended?
Naked mud wrestling fat americans trying to screw their livestock.

42. Have you been to an IMAX theater?
Yes. Its all floaty and weird. I love it. Can you imagine IMAX porn?

43. Was your mom a cheerleader?
No but she's about 5'6 blonde and pretty... My mom rocks.

44. Were you a planned pregnancy for your parents?
Not at all, I was a pill that wasn't taken or "miracle birth" :p

45. What is your middle name?
SlicedForeskin

46. How old was your mom when she gave birth to you?
22, she was younger than I am now.

47. How many hours of sleep do you get a night?
10 hours + on average.

48. Last time you had sex?
Couple of weeks.

49. What do you buy at the Movies?
Pic n Mix and minstrels. I never finish either and end up throwing them away.

50. Do you know how to play poker?
Reasonably well yeah. Its a button on facebook that you press.

51. Do you wear your seatbelt?
Who's gonna say no to this question? Was this questionnaire made in the late 80s?

52. What do you wear to sleep??
Boxer Shorts, or a Ronald McDonald thong.

53. Anything big ever happen in your town?
ME. I was all like in that place, and then I LEFT YO. Straight up.

54. Is your hair straight or curly?
Big, until I make it little, with my magic hot wand ear pain.

55. Is your tongue pierced?
Some would say forked

56. Do you like Liver and Onions?
My liver is quite cool since it keeps me alive, but I only have one onion :(

57. What is your favorite sushi?
The kind that GETS THE HELL AWAY FROM ME

58. Do you like funny or serious people better?
People who dont take themselves too seriously until they absolutely have to.

59. Ever been to Hollywood?
Not yet. I would be spotted and made a millionaire (Its called the american dream and Im allowed to have it)

60. Who is on your mind right now?
Johnny Soporno and his slowness to reply. I wanna go to vegas

61. Any plans for tonight?
Its 1am and Im watching basketball. Do the math.

62. Last party attended?
The Pants Party

63. Do you hate chocolate?
Who writes this shit pt3. Who hates chocolate? And do they hate babies too? Babies are kinda shit though. They don't do anything but make a mess, and for what? A cute girgle and a smile. You can get that at an old folks home.

64. What do you and your parents fight about the most?
Oil

65. Are you a gullible person?
Not terribly. I got april fooled once maybe

66. Ever go to a theme or costume party?
I go to plenty, as me.

67. If you could have any job what would it be?
Blow

68. Are you easy to get along with?
On a basic level yes. But if you mention saving the planet Im liable to heatbutt you.

69. What is your favorite time of day?
NIGHT. WOOOOOOOOO!

70. Are you a generally happy person?
Pretty much.

The Value of Wisdom

If life was a question, the answer would be your eulogy, or at least how you are remembered. So the question is, how will you be remembered and who will be doing the remembering?

Everybody wants and respects wisdom. Those big sentences that give us the "Oh shit" moment and make everything seem so simple. Those are the sentences most wish they could produce.

Yet just like those who live in hot climates long to see snow, and those who live in the cold long for the sun... Wisdom and Learning are two very different things. Wisdom, or more accurately the illusion of wisdom can be constructed from an advanced vocabulary and some lateral thinking.

I find it very easy to out argue somebody, or better articulate their thoughts. In a strange way I can get to the very route of understanding... and you'd think this would be all a person ever needs, and often for other people a good listener is all they need to be content. If only my life were so simple :p

What use are answers without questions? If you remember at school when the teacher gave you questions and answers, you always had to write the question? I would always discard the question and just write the answer. I appear to be wired for thinking that way and here's how it can be bad.

1) Dogs
2) Insight
3) banana's
4) Probably Greece
5) Alan Carr
6) Twice a week on average

The above are all the answers to some quite interesting questions. Yet standing alone they are utterly useless. They could be about anything, and it would take some pretty good guess work to figure out what they mean.

How about another example. If you ever cheated and looked at the answers to fill in the crossword, notice how the enjoyment is destroyed. If you ever used a guide to a video game, its nowhere near as fun. We love to discover, its hard-wired.

In effect, having all the answers is USELESS.

In a conversation, or debate if one person starts with a very well rounded and articulate statement covering a lot of possible comebacks, the debate is stifled and the joy is gone. Whenever we are given an answer, we don't like it that much.

So when we have a friend who can help us express ourselves, we find it intoxicating. Instead of cheating, we are forced to articulate our own thoughts and learn something about ourselves. Communication is one of the joys of living. Not having the answer, but travelling to it WITH OTHERS.

So with several paragraphs of qualification I'm about to make a bold statement. I have always being accused of being a smart arse, of having all the answers. I've realised that yes, that's actually true.

I have a nose for an answer and I will instinctively find it. Of course as I've established that's of no real use to me, beyond a discipline mechanism. I still have to learn and experience things just like anyone else, I just happen to be really good at knowing what to do. Whether I do it or not is a different matter all together, and where I require my friends. Like the guy in the hot climate begging for snow, I need people who challenge and interest me. People who can put up with my shit. The combination of challenge and strong desire to live life to the fullest is an excellent recipe to ensure someone will be close to me.

Whenever you have an epiphany the temptation is to shout it from the rooftops, it creates a rush of mania that is addictive and evangelical. I've come to learn that far smarter people than I have had all the epiphanies I have, and articulated them far better. It's interesting just how wise figures from history that are well known can be.

The issue isn't that this knowledge doesn't exist. All your answers are out there... It's that they have to be tied up into what we call a lifetime. It's at this point you stop seeing the answer as the goal. The answer alone is useless. It's how you get there and who with.

If life was a question, the answer would be your funeral, or at least how you are remembered. So the question is, how will you be remembered and who will be doing the remembering?