What follows is a poorly constructed un-edited rant, even by my own standards. I'm only doing so because in writing down my thoughts, I understand them better.
First off, Bullet for My Valentine's new album is immense. Its immense, despite sounding annoying from a distance. It's kinda like how people hate Russell Brand until they realise the man is a genius. The album has become my soundtrack to getting back into the gym after the good news of being all clear.
This payday I spent nearly £150 on new clothes, rediscovered some old clothes and booked a hotel in Cancun for spring break. By all accounts thats a damn good pay day. It will mean I'll be a hermit when I get back from Cancun but I really don't care. I feel like I've come home, and I've been gone for far too long. I never went anywhere, and resented when people said I wasn't my usual self.
Lesson learned, people saying "You changed" has the biggest impact, because no matter how much you put your head down and barrel through eventually you start to buy into it and live up to it. For the longest time I thought the lesson to draw from having Cancer was to be humble, but I actually realised it was the opposite. I was never supposed to be humble. I am the kind of guy that is supposed to shoot for the stars. I know that sounds arrogant, and in a way it is. I am divisive and I rub people the wrong way. It's never my intention, and not something I hope to do but I'm realising its ok to be me again. I know my intention and I know my heart.
It hit home Saturday when I went to my office. I haven't really been to the office on a regular basis since early 2006. Nearly two years. Looking around at my notepad, and in my desk drawer reminded me of the levels of success I had reached by 21 and who I am.
In a strange way its taken me two years to come full circle. I rebuilt myself, but in a completley different image to what I thought I was building. Only now is the impact of what happened in Vegas really hitting home. When I'm surrounded by like minded people I am at ease and ultra capable... but I was traditionally always best when I was doubted. Recently that changed. When I was doubted it made me rebel with inaction, rather than action.
So a pattern has emerged, those who stick with me through thick and thin, and the fickle who sling mud. The difference? Those who stick with me and will know me in 10 years are those who will criticize me to my face. I thank these people. Its now time for me to start paying off the investment of time and energy. I have a lot of travelling, thinking and innovating to do.
Who's up for some big ideas?
Being back in the gym, putting effort in at work and generally being my CONFIDENT self is the way forward. I'm not sorry to those who don't like that.
I tried to drain the sickness of others and drained my own spirit instead. My spirit is back and I feel galvanised. The miracle has hit, I'm waiting for the opportunity, I stare straight into the sun, and I won't close my eyes until I understand; or go blind.
How will I know limits from lies
If I never try?
There no promise of saftey
With these second hand wings
But Im willing to find out
What impossible means
Fly to the heavens
On feathers and dreams
Because the melting point of wax means nothing to me
Nothing to me!
Nothing to me!
I will touch the sun
Or I will die trying
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