Innovation Lead in the Payments Industry, I share my thoughts, useful nuggets, and Musings looking at the world sideways. Always a safe bet for a new perspective.
Since this post, The Leeds #cozytweetup has generated an awful lot of buzz and interest among the brightest and best in the Leeds Social Media circles.
The idea comes from www.cozytweetup.com & the brain behind @mazitv The goal of the #cozytweetup is to come meet like minded twitter users, in a relaxed environment. Why? Because you guys rock!
So here's the deal. We have a special location lined up on December 10th, 6pm to 9pm at Boutique We have the "snug" to ourselves, so it defintely fits the bill as cozy. Come meet the most influential twitter users in the Leeds area... Find out what makes them tick, tock.
We have Leeds Guide coming to give us a visit, as well as some of the better known PR agencies in the area. This is the perfect opportunity to meet the right people, in the right setting with the right amount of time to stick December 10th in your diary...
Remember December 10th. Leeds is about to get twitteriffic.
Music tends to find you at your worst points, and help you understand that feeling that splits your heart in two. It's when you've been fighting for months on end against yourself, you can feel something that never felt happening before. Hope is here.
When my heart stops beating, and my lungs stop beating, I hope somebody cares. When you're under a cloud, you become very good at making excuses, and pretending everything is OK. It's called justifying. Taking the truth and bending it to suit your weaknesses. The battle with yourself is the hardest because you believe your own bullshit.
I believed mine. For the longest time.
What's more the stronger you are, the stronger your resistance to those who are trying to help. Sometimes we do the worst thing, when we're trying to do the right thing.
My excuses were carefully crafted, and the walls so well built nobody could get past them, they ended up liking me in spite of them. I don't care if I don't sleep at night, I just wanna get this right. Disappointment has a name; laziness.
You know the fear of success, it's the thing that makes you check facebook instead of calling a friend. You know the fear of success, it's the thing that scares you from telling someone how you feel. You know the fear of success? It sucks. Its everywhere. Its gotta go.
Half of my heart is a shotgun wedding to a bride with a paper ring, half of my heart is the part of me who never truly loved anything. Half won't do.
Who says I can't be free, from all of the things I used to be? It's been a long 9 months working for TSYS, yet I owe my boss an incredible amount. I needed a kick up the ass to start solving the problems that were building up and causing me to be unhappy. The only person in my way was me. Now I feel free.
It's been a long time coming, but maybe, just maybe... I'm becoming the man always wanted to be.
What is #Cozytweetup and why the heck should I care?
You love Twitter, you love this social media thing, and you especially love the type of people it attracts. Yet the whole thing is about attending conferences which cost hundreds of pounds to attend. What if bright young things could ride a wave of Social Networking talent, and meetup with the leaders in the field from their area...
CozyTweetup was created thanks to a conversation between @Mazi@Ilicco and @Darenbbc on Twitter about gathering for a quiet meal one evening. The meal turned out to be a, not so quiet, 20 strong crowed at Pizza Express where a lot of fun was to unfold.
Due to the success of the first CozyTweetup more followed and the event has attracted sponsors from companies such as Magners, Tweetdeck, Next Web, Media 140 and Mixcloud to name a few. In true Twitter style the word just keeps spreading and the demand for them continue to grow.
CozyTweetup’s are relaxed and fun, providing a fantastic opportunity for Twitter users to connect in real life. There’s no agenda other than to come along, chat and have fun! You don’t have to be a whizz on a computer or a social media expert to attend. The event is for everyone and the more diverse, the better.
What's next?
Watch this space for Venue and Time / Date details. If you're interested, or think you can help in any way, contact me. sy@sytaylor.net
Inspiration is a wonderful idea. Depending on how cynical you feel today, it's either that aspirational poster on your bosses office, or it's that spark of mania where you believe you are actually Jesus and about to solve world poverty with a stick.
As the world gets smaller, we temporarily lost our local influences and culture has spread across borders. We in the West can now dine around the world, within 5 minutes of any major city center. We are also truly multicultural, not without problems... but we do live among each other. You mesh all that together and mix it up, and the mashups of creativity are yeilding aweomeness like; Bollywood Dubstep, Chinese cinematic epics and Russians singing Katie Perry.
If that's not entertainment nothing is!
For some this happened in the horrible, corporate way. The British Pub in Disney Epcot is a shining example of what is not culture. Initially Culture was dominated by the Music and Movie industries. The internet has had an interesting decentralising role. By giving power back to the little guy. The best little guy's in the world, are getting famous!
The value in real influence is however greater than ever. If you sort through the populist chaff, and there is some very wholesome influence available.
What influences you? Here's my (short & not in order) list:
I always loved those old Mafioso types who could hook you up with anything you need. Picture the scene. It's the 1930s and you just walked into a bar after your car broke down. You're having a terrible day, and the barkeep and his whiskey collection is your only friend. On telling the good barkeep about your troubles, he mentions "I know a guy, Jimmy Hands can fix you right up".
So it struck me recently, that whilst my bunch of friends is wonderful and I do pretty well meeting people, it's never something I really attacked with purpose. For some reason this morning, I figured why not try some location based searching on twitter? See if anything interests me.
Today I'm reminded of why I love twitter. The Advanced Search feature lets you search for tweets by location. Most people from Leeds infrequently mention Leeds in their tweets. When you think about it, it makes sense. Why would you mention where you are from in everything you say?
Give it a shot, simply enter your location, and a radius you want to connect, and then see if anything looks interesting. Interest lead search is GENIUS. I could lose myself in it for days. Humanity comes off looking a lot smarter when you filter for things you are interested in :p
Lets see how well this whole network building thing works. Bookmarks updated, daily search of Leeds based tweets ftw
Is the payments industry and innovation diametrically opposed? Banks, payments infrastructure & the business model we use has been the same for at least 30 years if not more.
Are there good reasons for this?
Looking at the payments sector, you have very large slow moving clients who until the past decade have been entrenched in a risk averse position. This has lead to the rise of compliance, propriety standards and data silos.
In effect the industry built walls around itself and then asked the consumer to come to it. The consumer, who had little choice at the time took the best offer on the table.
In a sub prime housing bubble, with strong profits and even stronger bonuses, what motivation was there for change? The collective wisdom of all in the industry was that the security offered by existing infrastructure and Gatekeepers worked well.
We had an evolutionary change when Generation X revealed to the world it's new age. The Internet brought The Information age. Sure enough, 5 years later most banks were thinking about online banking. A typically slow, but measured reaction given the sheer amount of security required.
Now Generation Y has revealed its own masterpiece. We call it Social Media. No doubt like "World Wide Web" and "Netscape" Social Media and 2.0 are terms that will die with the buzz that created them. Yet when the dust settles what will remain is the value.
The Generation Y consumer's core values differ greatly from the Payments Industry. Generation Y wants instant access, 24/7 and to own the interaction. The risk of not granting this wish is that Generation Y are not shy about rubbishing bad service. Or on the flip side praising good service.
How can the payments industry take advantage? This is the challenge of innovation.
Why then has the growth become a little sluggish? I can only relate this to my own experience, and those who I have tempted to try twitter and who eventually gave up. See, the whole thing is a bit daunting and weird at first. It's not like spotify, hulu or facebook in that signing up actually feels like you're doing something satisfying or worthwhile.
You sign up with no followers, nobody to follow and the whole thing is very dark.
Simplicity is the key for many of the larger social media mega sites. Despite the message presented by the media, and the best intentions of those willing progress, the vast majority of people are still internet novices.
Lightweight internet use covers your occasional youtube visit, possibly even iplayer and access to online music. The lightweight user also probably uses their PC as a Word Processor, however this user is still not digitally connected in the way many of the social media and technology savvy are.
There are hundreds of services that try to wrap up other services into one simple and easy to use application. Still from the user perspective it's confusing.
Twitter falls into this category of a service with hundreds, if not thousands of apps. Now unless you are following your favourite celebs, how do you get involved? Twitter has an interesting ecosystem and may find the answer. However so far, it seems to require the brilliance of a Mark Zuckerberg to really engage users with a valuable product.
Twitter clearly has value. It's faster than the news for breaking news, an amazing way to check the pulse of humanity and the first service where people come together based on interest rather than social structure.
Does that mean it is useful to your Mum? Probably not. If you're missing the twitter revolution and you want to make a difference in the world. It's wise to get clued up. Otherwise, let the thing happen. It's still very early in its development, and you're not missing much... Yet.
The liberation of being wrong, having it pointed out, then being told how to fix it is hard to measure.
Until recently I held a self limiting belief that I was uber talented, and the world refused to recognise it. I felt hard done by. The problem with that mindset is, that yes whilst I had some results and a few things I could point to as being "better than average". There was nothing other people pointed to and went "woah". (With the odd mind blow sentence being the exception)
When something comes along that questions your mindset, the usual response is denial and excuse. The world is very forgiving of denial and excuse, because most people do it too.
Being smarter than the people I grew up with, didn't automatically mean I was smarter than everyone I met. Having a few good ideas, didn't qualify me as unique. Those ideas have no value without action.
The problems in my life are my fault. Destructive behavior like over spending means I don't have spare cash to buy things I want. Not pursuing girls hard enough means, I don't have high quality girls in my life. It's only at work where there are people who see the talent and WANT it to shine, that I get challenged. You know it really bothers me, that I know women who can never meet the right guy. I could be that guy for them, but I am just too lazy or forgetful. Irritating!
I love a challenge. But am fundamentally lazy.
Now I see this. I see it everywhere.
I am two people in one. I can be distant, uninterested and bored even when there are plenty of reasons not to be. Or I can be engaging and the most interesting person you ever met. There is very little rhyme or reason to these flows. It probably has something to do with hormones, mood and the lunar cycle. Learning to manage it, and even it out is a bugger though. Consistency would be nice.
I feel like breaking the cycle with a little adventure.
What I needed was the gym, it set me right and made it all ok again.
I woke up at 4am with a dream. A dream that your DNA could be linked to a unique OpenID, and at a stroke, the internets trust issues are solved. What separates us from everyone else in the world is who we are. The quirks, the broken bits and the mistakes.
To be human is to be wrong, broken and fail... then to still have the desire to get back up the next day and do it all again. I'm growing to love humanity for this aspect, in fact all life has it. We just get up and have such desire to survive.
For the first time in as long as I can remember, I'm working for a boss who wants to help me improve, and will go the extra mile to help me. In business a rare experience. It feels all shiny and new... like when you get a new phone.
The current job is great, except for the 50 minute commute either side (in good traffic). There are prospects, good people and the company has a pretty strong future. The weird sensation is being right back in the politics of it all though. Having to actually battle to get work done, and not fall into the blame game takes it out of you.
It's a strange company where you have to fight to do a project, you also have to fight to get it delivered, and resourced. Then if it slips because of anything at all, people always try to stick it on you. I'm used to a process world. Where everyone goes to look for the email chain and evidence first. This is insanity. Luckily my boss has the experience to teach me how to fight back, and will do so on my behalf when I'm out.
As a result I WILL work my ass off for that guy... BUT.
The whole thing doesn't feel right. I can't do this forever.
I feel stressed out, and like I never have spare time. My mum just moved house and is getting lonley and I can't go see her more than once a week because I have to work so hard just to keep work and my own life going. I get it, people have harder lives, but this is tough because there is no respite.
I feel bad about not having seen my Dad or Grandmother in nearly 6 months. They're not bad people. I miss them. The plans to control my life, they're in place, but always seem just around the corner.
I am frustrated. I want fun, and to see friends again, see my family and have some spare "ME" time left after all of that. Surely with all that, my contribution is valueable. My ideas useful?
Rant over. If you can relate, tell me how you got out of it! :)
Rockstars vs Narcissists is a great piece by @BrettBorders who breaks down the two main schools of thought for twitter user. Be helpful vs Broadcast your life to people whether they like it or not.
ChrisBrogan.com sums up what is right about the Social Media movement, and is basically the poster boy. I have a raging hetro geek crush on him.
It's not just individuals that can be helpful. Kublax a service similar to mint.com will give you stats about where you spend your money based on your bank account details. What's more their blog is lifehacker.com levels of helpful, but in more depth.
Speaking of lifehacker.com I've written far more akward and long winded posts than this one, on how you can pretty much learn anything these days from Google / Wikipedia. Add lifehacker to those tools.
All Problems can be Solved: Try it yourself. What is bugging you right now? The car needs fixing? Don't have enough spare cash? Need to make more space around the house?
Go type that into Google. The revolution has already happened, now you just gotta learn how to make the best use of it!
If this post is teaching you to suck eggs and lacks that cynical edge I tend to specialise in, good you're already there. You are already able to use the "Web 2.0" to its full potential. There is a lot to be said for admitting when we suck, and the ability to write in a clear and helpful way is something that I had to try.
Now for our regularly scheduled programming. Some random thoughts:
Felicity is a great name. Mashable rock. I'm starting to like punk music again. Double Sailor Jerrys + Cola is a tasty way to a hangover. My Mum is the sweetest person alive: Fact. The whole world is one big cadburys cream egg
What are the best / coolest Research and Development Departments you can think of?
History teaches us a thing or two:
Xerox Parc once had one of the best known to man (or pooch). Widely credited with bitmap graphics, the WYSIWUG text editor, Ethernet, Object Oriented Programming and of course the Graphical User Interface. Not bad for a photocopying company. Apple did well to swoop in and take credit for a lot of the above.
In modern examples who do we have though? Who is really pushing the boundaries? Steve Ballmer of Microsoft mentioned in a recent interview @Techcrunch that Microsoft spend $9.5 Billion a year on R&D.
A pretty impressive figure, but when you consider most of that investment is in the 5 core business functions, Microsoft are investing heavily to stand still and then move forward in a very fast moving technology market.
Paypal have announced Innovate 09 a conference dedicated to their new upstream payments and future innovations. Even in a traditionally compliant market, the internet and networking is having an impact and changing the rules. Rules we now have to question.
Then you have the startup big three of social media. Facebook, Twitter and Google (What blog would be complete without name checking the biggest dogs in the yard?). These have to be the prime examples of human based interaction and Interest led innovation. The key with all of them is they have managed to tap into something brilliant about humans. When inspired we will work our socks off, and almost for free.
Not everyone has a killer budget to blow on "Cool R&D" but there are some steps we can take in the right direction. We're witnessing a changing of the guard in the working population. Generation X now holds the key the baby boomers once had, and Generation Y is finally making it's presence felt. We have two digital natives in the working crowd, but we still work in our compliant business speak / mid-90s ivory towers, hidden behind the Baby Boomers.
Business Gametheory is all together quite a useful tool. So is your Google Fu and ability to demonstrate personality from miles away. Business always felt stuffy and full of protocol. There is defintely a place and time for professionalism. It's losing it's traction as a key tool though. The population wants your company to show its human side.
Chris Brogan wrote something wonderful about "How to Level Up" taking the RPG concept of building your character and applying it to your business life. It can be applied to all life. It can be applied to the gym too! The idea of making achievement measureable and satisfying is something that seems to mistify our education system, yet we naturally seek it out.
Just like we naturally seek out our interests. Cool R&D requires understanding the massive benefits of the long term view, but crucially understanding ourselves better.
It's time, after years of speculation about maybe doing something amazing with my life, the light at the end of the tunnel seems a little closer.
The question: If you could design your own life, what would it look like? Struck me as quite an easy one to answer at the high level. It's only when you have to start detailing it, suddenly it seems a little harder. Maybe this makes me a geek, but I always wanted to travel, be on the leading edge of technology and network my way to the top.
The problem was I could never square that with a day job that was basically project management or some variant thereof, for quite a few years. I was in effect a reasonably successful wheel turner.
Something in the raw evangelism and hope of "Think and Grow Rich" first jumped out at me in 2005. What followed were my first few steps into trying to make something happen, and the ill-fated ourbook/webook.com idea. As any of you who have tried and failed will know, at the exact second you have an idea, at least 10 others do. The aim and focus is to just get something out there. I didn't, and regretted it like crazy when something remarkably similar popped online in 2008.
I met this crazy talented networker in 2006, shortly after having read "The Game" by Neil Strauss and again altering my perception of life. Having seen ourbook.com go nowhere for a year due to immense inexperience and having not "just executed", I wasn't about to allow the same to happen again. Within 4 months we had a website online, and a community building. What's more my career at work was moving somewhere. I weilded real power and respect, and I liked the taste.
A year later we weren't much further down the line, my health took a turn for the worse and my career in BT was little to write home about. Despite this, my ability to network and really engage people was beginning to blossom. It was a transition period from talented raw lump of clay, into something resembling self sufficient and useful. Like any transition it was painful and wrought with near misses, false starts and soul searching.
While 2008 was the toughest year yet, it was also probably the most important in shaping the build up. I tried in vain with a few more "big ideas", but the passion just wasn't there. Convinced that if my stock was ever going to rise, it would be through one on one networking. The result was quite a bit of perception altering travel. A porn convention, spring break and leaving a very safe comfortable job with regular income...
I loved the freedom of not working 9 to 5. Despite starring down the barrel of moving back in with the parents, it felt right. At these times instinct guides far better than logic. Logic says take the money, reduce costs and get rich slowly. Who ever met a happy vulcan though?
It's also no secret that whilst for the first time, I find myself in a career position where I could very slowly work my way through the ranks, the traditional way. Logic again says get rich slowly...
But then there is this other thing. If I could design my own life what would it look like?
So I may have finally found the missing link between social networks and my blog. It's called Disqus and it's an interesting middle man! One identity, everywhere, always.
Of the many companies out there who have reformed their horrible customer service records in the past few years, Dell have really caught a wave. They like Apple figured out they don't own their customer. The customer owns the interaction, and should be allowed to shape the products.
So how can we innovate within our sector, and company? Can we take lessons from Silicon Valley without appearing utopian and naive?
Every company outside of the ancient whales (AT&T etc) will have good management *somewhere*. In my particular case our Sales department wins more work than we can handle. By solving a problem in their world you grab attention, and maybe get yourself a very useful contact on the way.
Step 1: The Sounding Board. Until you find your key contact, who's going to tell you if your ideas suck? This is where twitter and a good network comes in handy. Good ideas will prompt responses.
Step 2: The Nugget. Senior Management has a short attention span, and a PA sifting through emails. Ideally you want a killer nugget to throw in person, but if like me genius tends to strike at 3am, a punchy little email will do it. Something about the competition innovating, and how you could steal their clothes? A way to cut out the workload for smaller clients? The Nugget grabs attention and may lead to the meeting
Step 3: The Meeting: Take a book to be reading before the meeting, "What would Google do" is a good start. If you strike it lucky your meeting will be that mania filled "this is where the company should be" affairs. If so you have found yourself an ally with genuine stroke in the company.
Now you need funding and a business case for innovation. This is the fun part. Being Generation Z and very visually motivated that shouldn't be a problem for you though ;)
It would appear I'm on a roll, and that the answers to all our questions come from doing nothing all day. Or at least being a little anti social and reading, then writing all day.
We are as a species fundamentally pleasure seeking creatures. The dopamine reward response is so incredibly powerful, and gives you a binary choice. Pleasure now, or disappointment in not having pleasure now. There is no tomorrow as far as your reward circuits are concerned.
Even knowing you saved money, is something you feel immediately. When the moment passes you no longer have a connection to how you felt about the action a moment ago. This means we humans are capable of tricking ourselves, and so on a regular basis because it feels like the right choice.
The hard choice is usually the right one, but not always. Without any indulgence we either become boring or bhuddist, a byword for boring. Although maybe bhuddists do have it figured out. By not attaching to outcome, they enjoy simply being.
How can I apply this in daily life?
Enjoy making the harder decision, and see it as character building. I've done this before, and still consistently fall back into bad habits. Are there any other tools besides willpower to beat temptation? Preferably that don't involve making lists or going out of your way too much. I need dopamine for avoiding temptation. Can I associate being happy with making the long term choice?
I have not signed up for an egg 0% card to transfer some debt balance, because I forgot my password and don't use the email address I signed up with. So it probably won't happen. It means ringing up, which is LONG. That "LONG" is like a fear of loss, or loss aversion, but what am I losing, comfort? Failure?
It always starts with a notepad, an idea and a spark.
Then the notepad gets unwieldy and the plain text is not good enough at formatting for my visually dominant brain.I can't sing, my dancing is almost acceptable and my writing is nothing short of not bad.
There must be a hundred or so texts around of me ranting on my troubles with ideas.So forgive me if this comes off a little hopeless.Deep down the problem is that it feels like I should be better at this.
Do thoughts get lost in translation between the spark and the fully formed text?(Oh look I posed myself a question to answer in another paragraph, original technique there).
Crap, I write like the woman from Sex and the City.
Stephen Fry described his writing process as a traumatic marathon of early mornings, and mid 80s hardware purchases.I worry if mine is nowhere near as epic.Throw on some big sounding emo (yes emo) and leave whatever words feel right on the screen.All the sites teaching you to write say revise, replace and simplify.For some reason my stubbornness insists that these short bursts of creativity are the answer.In a couple of hours time it will be gone, and seem futile.Maybe if I could tie all these bursts together with some editing...
That said I've wanted outsource tasks that baffle and frustrate me for a long time.One of you out there has to be a brilliant editor missing a spark.Be the yin to my yang.
But you know what really pisses me off?If someone else asked these questions I'd have an awesome answer like."Well it takes practice and discipline to get good at something, force yourself to do it until it works".Yet I don't want to feel like a part of history, the grass is greener on the other side syndrome.
The quarter life crisis was supposed to end with the illness and introspection.The arrogance of it all doesn't escape me, that the number one topic I blog about is me.But then it's the key battle too.Being a success in the eyes of most just kinda happened.The apartment, car, and career.
I am not my apartment.
I am not my car.
I am not my job.
Who am I?Right now the only answer comes back, is a potentially talented nobody with good ideas but nothing to show for it but half finished, almost brilliance.
Maybe it's a pessimistic outlook, but it feels right.I need to learn this lesson.It takes forcing yourself and working to get results.Here I am holding on to the hope, that usually when you're about to give up something good happens.Although, I've held on to that one a few times for it not come through.
Fundamentally I bought into the idea that I could achieve greatness.Head above the parapit, Mark Zuckerberg world alerting brilliance, or just reverence in my field.The guy who hired me at work told me "You are the most exciting talent I've seen in a long time".Not good enough.Why should I believe middle management?Give me something to believe in myself, something that is real.
Something I can point to, in a moment of reflection and say "I did that", without having to explain what it is.Tim Ferris lives the 4 hour work week.A fantastic utopia of life balance.I could actually spend more time working, if I found something I loved enough and could STICK at it.Instead of once a week, or every two weeks.
Reality is what we know, plant a seed and watch it grow. We live in a world where the sun rises and sets. Our life is timeboxed into beginning middle and end. The seasons flow, the tides ebb small things become big, live, grow and die.
So why then is it still so very heart wrenching when you get a phone call saying "Your mum has just had a heart attack, she's on her way to hospital". How do you deal with that information? My reaction was intense anxiety, followed by my usual frontal lobe calm. Ok go tell the boss and just go.
This of course didn't stop me shouting at traffic in my way en route the hospital. Nor did it stop me eulogising my mother's brilliance. When you start thinking what you'd say at someone's funeral, and it makes you emotional then you have some stuff to tell them. I've tried to live my life by this rule, never leave things unsaid. Sadly when the sunshine is the sky, and we feel aright, we have no reason to tell people how we feel. There will always be tomorrow.
Then it rains, and it rains hard. No matter how strong you are, the little things always get in your way. The travel, paying bills, staying still.
All of this stress came, not because of the activities themselves, but from guilt. I felt like I haven't spent enough time with my Mum, or thanked her for the wonderful job she did raising me. Yes, typical only child right? Add to that the fact my Mum was never supposed to have children. I am literally a miracle. I've been made to feel that special every day of my existence, and the act of breathing makes my Mum happy.
No more though. I'm 25, lay down your worries Mum. I got this life.
I needed to write, but for the first time instead of words streaming out of my conciousness, I'm actually bothered about the quality. I want to do this emotion justice. It seems having very strong critical instincts is paralysing for creativity, especially when trying to express how you feel at your core.
Still; I want to record how I'm feeling, in the hope that maybe I'll look back and take something from it. Or that by writing it down, and pressing publish it will help me understand.
I prefer dogs to people as a rule. So losing Aggy has been really really tugging at the tear ducts. Not that I've fallen about in angst since I heard the news, but that large skull below was my confidant. The one living thing that knew everything about me. I mean its that it's only when I saw Aggy that I felt well after the cancer in 07.
There is something about the calming reliability of a dog. They are there, they are staying with you and are furiously loyal to you. Which I guess is something we humans don't grant each other very often. At the risk of sounding cynical, I'm observing how often humans sell each other out even to relative strangers. If it's talking the ear off a stranger about a best friend who wronged you, or if it's the dance of wanting to be wanted... We are a species who just can't commit to anything.
I read an interesting article about how our conciousness is actually something our emotions manipulate. Sure we're pretty convinced the reason we dislike the traffic warden is because logically they are parasitic in nature... but the real reason we don't like them is because they feel like they are a bit mean.
We can't use that language of course, that would risk feeling embarrassed, and self preservation dictates we cannot feel anything... but controlled bursts of melancholy or joy shared in a group.
So then society runs to its drugs, its rollercoasters and its art. It runs because it can't face itself. We have wonderful tools of expression and yet cannot say hello in the pure, and simple way an animal does. With all of ourselves. I'm as guilty of this as anyone. As an empath I'm just as likely to reciprocate awkwardness as I am openness.
I will miss my dog because pushing my face into the big skull of that rottie made me feel alive, made me feel welcomed and gave me that release that very little else in life (besides yin) can provide. The lesson I'm trying to teach myself by articulating this is to take more risks not less. Maybe I'll take a few followers on the way too.
To get what I want, I'm going to have to keep changing, and challenging myself on things I held dear. Doing so will require being way out of my comfort zone. It's strange then, that at the top of the mania cycle, making friends is easy, humour is natural to me and creativity happens. You can't force a fate you think is right, but perspective will always, always win the day.
With that I'm going to step back, and list some of the good times and memories I had of Aggy, in a log file, stored away on my pc. I miss you Aggy, you were such a good dog and my life is better from having known those big brown eyes and that fat head. xxx
That overbearing guilt of not living your life the way you feel you should. Yeah that, you know it? I've had it an awful lot latley, working all day, to come home from the gym and collapse into a heap. All these ideas end up as useless reminders on my phone, and dreams for tomorrow. Think they better wait til tomorrow, gotta make sure it's right, so til tomorrow goodnight.
The only way out of a cycle like that is travel. It sets back my financial goals, but it helps my soul, so on balance it has to be a good thing.
So I'm going to Amsterdam in two weekends time with my favourite little person (full grown, just small, and funky), in the form of Cat. I love internet comparison sites for allowing me to book this jaunt into an amazing city, and stay there for £28/night. Now my only task is to pack as much fun into is as possible, after I've loaded the Mp3 player with sunshine friendly music.
I'm still thinking, and can't possibly communicate through this blog all the thoughts running through my head. But, I'm happy and that's what matters. I hope you are too. Wherever you are.
Ambitious, yet contented. Friendly, yet professional. Fun but hard working. I enjoy the diversity of life. Being pulled in many different directions creates growth. ^^
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